sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
