Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
