the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize