I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize