Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I think I am morally bankrupt
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
