How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
