anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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