I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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