my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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