I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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