I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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