Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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