I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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