He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
