I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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