i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
