nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
