3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You ruined the universe
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
