smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
