'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
