I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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