Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
