every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
