she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
