the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
