I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
