I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
