I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
its not stalking. its research.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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