I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
