I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
