I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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