Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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