If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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