Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
