That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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