Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
