i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
