and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
