checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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