The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
