Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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