Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
