sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
