my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize