I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
