I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
