between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
this just has baby written all over it
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
