I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
