Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
