there's paper in my vomit.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You ruined the universe
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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