were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
