You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize