Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
did you just send me my own nude
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
