I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
