Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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