who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
