He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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