Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
