I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
