You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize